


Remaining Days

by Pineapple_Daddy



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Songfic, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 22:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18214274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pineapple_Daddy/pseuds/Pineapple_Daddy
Summary: At the age of 17, Kiku Honda is diagnosed with a rare and fatal heart disease, leaving only five months left for him to live. However, he has fallen in love with his best friend, Alfred. In order to extend his lifespan so he can spend more time with, and possibly even confess to his crush, Kiku decides to become hospitalized, gaining him an extra month. The question however, is whether or not he can go through with his plan to confess in time before his inevitable demise.





	Remaining Days

**Author's Note:**

> https://youtu.be/WtM9ptgMQoY  
> Here's a link to the song this fic is based on. I highly recommend checking it out, though it's not required to understand the story.

The imaginary hourglasses of Father Time and Mother Nature that counted down to each individual’s inevitable demise were cruel things. Each one was different, for better or for worse as they determined how long you had in life before you die, whether you want to or not. For some, their time on this planet called Earth was long and fulfilling as they got to do everything they could have possibly wanted to do. Some, while not getting to do quite that much, could still say that they were satisfied with all that they’ve gotten to do. People like me, however, weren’t so fortunate. 

Instead, by some twisted decision made by whatever god was out there, I was given a life that was destined to crumble and fade away just as it was beginning to get going. Up until my late teen years, I had been able to live in relative ease, but that was when something happened that made me realize that the powers to be may not be as benevolent as one wants to believe. At the age of just barely 17, I was diagnosed with a rare heart condition that would lead to a premature death. The amount of time left for me to live, was a mere five months.

I didn’t even listen to the rest of what the doctors had told me. Not to the name of the disease or even the symptoms I would experience. Instead, I just asked them what they could do to possibly extend my life as long as they could. In response, I was told that I could maybe get another month but I would have to be hospitalized for the duration of my estimated life time remaining. I would live the rest of my short life and die in a hospital, but even despite that, I readily agreed. I would accept the terms a thousand times over if it meant I could have just a little more time with him.

~~~

The day I was scheduled to officially “move into” the hospital, I decided to have my best friend, Alfred, help me with getting settled in. By which I mean, carrying anything that’s considered too heavy to lift with my current condition the way it is as well as unpacking. Though, truth be told, I only really brought the essentials like clothes and hygiene products as well as a few books and my 3DS to entertain myself. The endless droning of a television provided in each room could only do so much after all.

“Well, that’s all of it,” Alfred announced when we finished unpacking everything. “But, I’ll ask again just to be safe, are you absolutely sure this is what you want?”

This was the eternal question, wasn’t it? Time and time again after telling everyone I was close to that I decided to stay at the hospital just to extend my life by a month, they had kept asking me if I was sure that that was what I wanted to do with the time I had left. Alfred, however, was the one who asked it the most out of everyone. It was a little ironic, I had to admit, since I’m going through with this just to spend my time with him before I had to depart from this world forever.

“As I’ve said before,” I started. “Yes, this is absolutely what I want to do. I need that time, no matter how little it may be. I still have something important I’d li- I need to do.”

Alfred sighed and shook his head gently as he took a seat next to me on the hospital bed. “You keep saying that, but is it really worth being confined to a hospital for months at a time? There are so many things you could do, would never get another chance to do, but you decide to instead limit yourself as much as possible. What even is that important thing you wanted to do?”

“That’s another question you seem to be asking me a lot lately,” I answered. But the real answer was something I couldn’t tell him just yet. The timing wasn’t right and I still needed to build up the courage to just come out and say it anyways. 

Alfred just fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling wistfully. “And yet no matter how many times I ask, I’ll never get an actual answer.”

I followed in Alfred’s actions and layed down on the bed as well, though I was more delicate about doing so. Together, the two of us just layed there in a comfortable silence. Alfred was lost in thought as he stared at the ceiling, but I chose to keep my attention on Alfred himself. I just couldn’t help it. Even in the most casual of positions, he always managed to look so beautiful. The rays of sunlight shining through the window only enhanced the image before me as it made his skin positively glow and brought out the gold in his dirty blond hair. Not even the light glinting off of his silver framed glasses could get me to turn away.

But then, Alfred suddenly sat up with intense vigor and excitement and the moment of serenity was abruptly severed. “Oh, shit! I almost forgot,” he said rather loudly, though the statement was directed more at himself than at me. I sat up as well and followed Alfred’s movements as he got up and headed towards the door. “Gimme a sec, I’ll be right back!”

And just like that, he was gone and I was left all on my own. For better or worse, this meant that I had time to think. Think and reflect on my life and what it had culminated to. Or rather, could still culminate to depending on what happened in the last legs before the sand in my hourglass of life ran out. The conclusion I came to was the same as always, however. I was happy and I was satisfied with my life as it was, even if it was coming to an end much too soon. All I had left to do was one little thing. The question was how do I go about doing it and how would it make Alfred feel?

Just then, Alfred returned with a camera in his hands and wide grin on his face. “Sorry, about the wait,” He apologized, retaking his seat on the bed. “I just had to go out to my car and grab this.” He held out the camera for me to see. It looked pretty old fashioned, but was most likely just a regular polaroid camera. Besides that, I knew nothing else about it just by looking at it nor what he planned to do with it.

“Basically, I had this little idea,” Alfred continued. “I found this old camera in my basement the other day and figured ‘hey why not use it’ and decided that from now on we should take as many pictures as possible together and then compile them into an album. It’ll kind of be like, a comprehensive look at your life in a way. I already found some pictures from when we were kids and stuff like that to put in the album, but it’s still not very much.”

What could I say to that? Not only had he thought of a project like that for me, but he even got it started already. I was almost speechless at his suggestion. “That sounds like a wonderful idea. Let’s do it,” I managed to get out, but it failed to convey my true feelings. In fact, no words could describe just how appreciative I was. Though, I wasn’t happy because it was something that I could use. After all, I was going to die regardless of whether it was made or not. No, I was happy because it was something I could leave behind for Alfred. A part of me that will always be with him, no matter what.

“Great! Then let’s take the first pic right now,” Alfred stated cheerfully. He put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close, and held the camera at an angle, presumably to get the best perspective in the shot. “Ok, three, two, one, cheese!”

The camera made a clicking noise and out came a picture from the slot on other side of it. Alfred lowered the camera and pulled the picture the rest of the way out of the slot. The image was solid black with a white border but within seconds the black faded into colour to reveal the true picture. Of course, Alfred looked as cheerful as he usually was in the picture and radiated pure, joyful energy. Me on the other hand, well, I still looked shy and reserved as I fell more into the background rather than the foreground like Alfred, but I did have a small smile and an overall relaxed expression.

“Oh, good! The camera actually works. I wasn’t sure if it would or not,” Alfred commented as he looked at the picture.

I chuckled lightly at the insinuation that Alfred hadn’t even checked if we could go through with his idea or not. “That’s just like you. Charging right into things without thinking first.”

“Hey, that isn’t fair! If it didn’t work I could’ve just bought another polaroid camera,” Alfred argued. “But, uh, you got a pen or something around here?”

I nodded. “I think there’s one on the counter by the door.”

Alfred hummed and got up to get said pen. He picked it up, took the cap off and started writing something on the photo. When he was done he put the pen back and showed me what he had written. “This makes it official, doesn’t it?,” he asked. On the white part of the photo at the bottom, he had written “Day 1: Moving In”. “Operation: Kiku’s Life Album is a go!”

“It really is,” I responded wistfully, though I didn’t notice if Alfred picked up on my tone or not. How was I ever going to be able to tell him that I had fallen hopelessly in love with him?

~~~

It’s been exactly two weeks since I first transferred into the hospital. Of course, Alfred’s been visiting me every day when he’s not busy at school or work. Usually we just hang out together in my hospital room and tell each other about how our day went, though it’s mostly Alfred doing the talking. He also makes sure to take at least one picture each day despite nothing much really being photo worthy. Alfred disagrees with me though, and insists that any picture of me is perfect for the album. He even tries to subtly get pictures of me and I notice every time, but I don’t say anything about it. Whatever makes him happy is fine with me.

On this day, however, Alfred had come to visit with an idea floating around in his head. He had asked the front desk if there was any way he could take me up to the rooftop just for a little bit and they had given him clearance. And so, that was where we were, up on the hospital’s rooftop enjoying a mock picnic made by Alfred himself. Admittedly, getting up the stairs had proved to be a challenge for my heart, but I refused to show it. I wouldn’t allow a few stairs to ruin the day Alfred had planned. I could handle it.

“I know I didn’t make your favorite food or anything, but I hope you enjoy! Can’t be any worse than hospital food anyways,” Alfred said as he laid out several plastic food containers on the stereotypical red and white checkered blanket we were sat on. He even brought everything in a hand woven basket placed off to the side between us.

“Well, I have to admit, the food here really isn’t that great,” I responded. After being here for two weeks, I think it was a fair assessment to make.

Alfred laughed at my remark. “Ha! See? I told you it would suck! So, have you changed your mind about staying here then?”

I looked off to the side where the townscape could be seen stretching for miles just beyond the railing of the hospital’s roof. The town where I was born and raised and had made so many fond memories in. “No, I haven’t,” I answered definitively.

Alfred sighed. “Well, it was worth a shot. Anyways, ready to dig in?”

I turned my attention back to Alfred and he gave me a hopeful look. Perhaps he noticed the solemn expression on my face and was eagerly waiting to see if I would brighten up after trying whatever he had made. “I’m up here just for that reason,” I answered bluntly.

“Ouch. I thought you were up here for me,” Alfred said, feigning a pained wince. “That really hurts, man.”

“I mean, I’m up here for you, too. Sorry if I made it seem like I wasn’t,” I apologized, but Alfred only laughed at my apology.

“We’ve been friends for… how long? And you still can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic,” he said, a hint of playfulness in his tone. Even though he was laughing at my expense, I couldn’t help but love the sound of his laugh and the way his eyes crinkled at the edges when he smiled.

“Well, anyways,” he continued. “You just keep being you. But for now, let’s actually start eating. Don’t want anything to get cold, y’know.”

Alfred pulled out two wrapped items from the basket and opened them to reveal one as a cheeseburger and the other as a hamburger. “I made sure to make yours without cheese because I know you don’t like it,” He explained, handing me the hamburger. “Oh, and, uh, sorry if anything is cold or something. I cooked all of this stuff during my lunch break at work today and I tried to keep them warm, but it’s been awhile and you never know.”

“Considering you made it, I’m sure it’s fine,” I reassured him.

“You say that, but still,” Alfred said with a light pout. He then opened a plastic container to reveal some regular, simple sandwiches inside. “If that doesn’t work out, I also made these and in that container,” he pointed to a green container, “there’s some fruit inside. And finally, for desert, I got these!” he pulled out a small rectangular box from the basket. “Some cookies and cream flavored Pocky!”

Looking at everything laid before me on the blanket, I had to say it really looked like Alfred went out of his way to make the picnic a good one. As he said, he didn’t make my favorite foods, but he made what he was good at preparing so at the very least it would taste good. He even got Pocky for me, which isn’t even sold in town, meaning he had to go somewhere else to get it. It was adorable how much he cared, really. The picnic got even better when I opened the fruit container and saw that the pieces had been cut into cute, little star shapes.

And so, we ate together in silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. The sunlight beat down on our skin, but the slight breeze was there to keep us cool along with the melodious chirping of birds flying up above. Thin wisps of clouds were the only thing keeping the bright blue sky from being clear as it ever so slowly darkened along with the sun reaching the horizon for a sunset. I became so utterly lost in the moment and the calm that, before I knew it, we had long since finished our picnic and instead watched on as day faded to night. It was only when I had returned to the loneliness of my hospital room and Alfred had gone that realized just how impactful all the little moments really were in the end.

~~~

A month and a half in and I still had yet to tell Alfred how I really felt about him. Instead, my feelings for him grew ever stronger in their silence as we spent more and more time together. Perhaps it was because I had been growing more and more desperate with each drop of sand in my metaphorical hourglass falling closer to its end that had been the cause of my anxiousness towards the subject. But, for whatever reason, I just couldn’t find it in myself to come clean despite my strengthening feelings. It was so conflicting as to feel like I owed him the world because I loved him so, but at the same time feel like I somehow tricked myself into feeling that way and that the fact I couldn’t open myself to him was proof of that.

Things were only made worse when he would give me that bright smile so unique to him and the looks of fondness directed at myself. He was always joyful and met everyone with cheer and positivity, but after all the time I’ve known Alfred for, I could easily tell the difference between his friendly smile for the sake of being friendly and the smile he gave to those he truly cared about. Every time I was at the receiving end of those ever coveted smiles, my heart would melt like a mere ice cube being burned down upon by the scorching sun. It reminded me that my feelings for him were as real as the oxygen all living creatures breath.

The next time Alfred came to visit me, however, made me question whether or not I had the right to tell him my heart’s deepest secret. 

The day had started like normal. Alfred came, told me about his day, the usual stuff that had come to be so routine. And then he told me about the excursion outside of my “stuffy” hospital room he had planned for today. Since there was a forest just behind the hospital, Alfred figured we could go out for a little bit and just enjoy nature together. Of course, I had readily agreed to go along with it. 

In my mind, I envisioned a scenario in which, with the two of us alone together in the forest, I would confess my feelings with the perfect atmosphere to take away the severity that had taken over my life. It would just be us, the serenity of the forest, and the words brought out into the open revealing the truth behind my fluttering heart.

But, my plan was unceremoniously ruined simply by my attempt to reach the door of my hospital room. I got out of my bed, took a few steps, and then without a single warning I felt as though my heart erupted in flames and constricted my entire being. The air in my lungs escaped me and the presence of my legs disappeared as I crumpled to the floor gracelessly. I could hear Alfred panic and rush to my side, possibly even call for help, but I failed to recognize his words before I had blacked out completely.

Waking up from my blunder had been, in and of itself, a challenge to say the least. My head was spinning and the world around appeared as nothing more than various, blurred colours. Off to the side I could barely make out two supposedly human figures talking about something, but they quickly turned their attention to me, supposedly because they had noticed my shifting. As my senses began to return to me fully, I could hear a gentle voice. My best guess is that they were asking me how I was feeling, but I couldn’t be completely sure. I did, however, instantly recognize the voice as belonging to Alfred.

It was weird to hear his voice be so soft as though he were afraid of startling an animal, but it wasn’t unwelcome. In fact, I had quite liked the sound of it and I wouldn’t mind waking up to it more often, though under different circumstances. 

“I’m ok,” I groaned out on instinct. At this point, I could at least speak and it was easier to see Alfred looking at me with deep rooted concern. There was also the doctor who looked like he had seen less stressful days.

“Clearly you aren’t, but I’ll let you believe what you want,” Alfred sighed. 

“Before you two get carried away,” the doctor cut in. “I think it’s important to note that this little incident of sorts was caused by you being too active for your heart to handle, Mr. Honda. Because of this, you’ll have to be confined to either your bed or a wheelchair for the following week or so until your condition stabilizes.”

It took me a minute to register what I had just been told. The limitations shackling me down from living a normal life had just become even more of a nuisance and a reminder of what little I had left now, both in terms of time and what I could still do with that time. “I… understand,” I replied simply. To say I wasn’t feeling at least a little crushed by the news would be a blatant lie.

“Buuuut, there is good news,” Alfred piped up, characteristic grin returning to his face. “I can still take you out to the forest, like I originally planned. We just have to wait a little bit until you’re feeling better and you’ve gotta be in a wheelchair, but still.”

I gave a weak nod to show I understood what he said and promptly fell back asleep.

The second time I woke up, luckily, went better than the first go around. Instead of waking up like I had just risen from the dead, I felt like nothing had gone wrong in the first place, minus one little detail. My body felt abnormally numb, but aside from that I was perfectly fine. I didn’t like it one bit, regardless.

“Oh, good! You’re awake, again,” a voice said. I sat up a little straighter and looked to my side to find Alfred sitting in the visitor chair reading a book, though he put a bookmark in it and set aside to instead focus on me. 

“You don’t normally read as a hobby,” I pointed out instead. Of course, I already knew that he was secretly a bookworm from time to time when nobody else in the world was paying attention but me. He didn’t know that I knew, though.

Alfred softly chuckled at my impromptu response. “It’s just like you to say something like that out of the blue,” He retorted. “But, I figured I’d kill some time doing something quiet and relaxing so that I wouldn’t bother you.”

Out of all the responses I would have expected, Alfred gave the one that would take me the most off guard. “It’s also unusual for you to be so considerate,” I blurted out. Instant regret had washed over me in that moment. It was hypocritical of me to call out his out-of-the-norm behavior when I too had begun to do the same by disregarding my natural tendency to refrain from speaking depending on the situation. A situation, like this one.

Alfred, however, didn’t seem to mind, or at least he didn’t show it if he did. “Aw, c’mon! You don’t give me enough credit,” he joked, giving me a smirk and a soft, playful punch to my shoulder. “But anyways, the important thing is that you’re awake now, so we can go out to the forest whenever you’re ready.”

“In that case, we can go right now,” I told him. A single glance out the window revealed that waiting much longer would leave us with little to no daylight if we went out, but that was to be expected of the autumn season. Besides, I was feeling much better now than I had earlier.

“Well, as long as you’re feeling well. You are feeling ok, right?,” he asked. I gave him a single nod and that was all he needed. “Alright, then! I’ll just help you into your wheelchair and then we can go!”

I said nothing as Alfred effortlessly picked me up bridal style and helped me into the wheelchair provided to me by the hospital. The process took longer than I would’ve liked, what with the whole situation leaving me slightly flustered despite my best efforts to hide away my emotions. I gave the smallest sigh of relief only after I had fully settled in and the two of us had begun to take our temporary leave of the hospital. As I felt my heart pounding in my chest from the brief interaction, my mind wondered for a moment if this was really such a good idea after all. 

That train of thought was derailed, however, by the sight of countless trees filled to the brim with orange, yellow, and even a few red leaves. The beautiful sight of autumn was accompanied by the sounds of dried leaves on the ground crunching beneath Alfred’s footsteps and the wheels of my wheelchair as I was carted further and further into the forest. The sunlight that still peeked out from above the treetops brought out the vibrant fall colours and gave the forest a life completely unique to itself. It could not be replicated by any painting or photo or even the view from the window in Kiku’s own hospital room. There was something undeniably captivating and calming about being out and about in such a serene, untouched piece of Mother Nature. 

For the longest time, neither I nor Alfred said a word as we continued along our undefined path. Instead, we just took in our surroundings fully and the company we blessed each other with. From time to time, however, I chanced a glance back at Alfred to enjoy his appearance just as much if not more so than the ever expanding forest around us. Though he appeared just as enamoured with the forest as I was, I could also tell that something was weighing heavily on his mind, and in time my own thoughts began to creep in and wear me down as well.

The only downside to the quiet tranquility of nature was that it left you with a lot of undisturbed time to just think and get lost in a sea of your own swirling thoughts. For me, I couldn’t help but dredge up thoughts on what to do about my unconfessed feelings. The tree leaves rustling softly in the light breeze, the almost therapeutic crunch of leaves, the setting we found ourselves in alone together. Everything was set up to be the perfect chance to tell Alfred how I felt. But then, I remembered that I was confined to a wheelchair and the reason for that confinement.

With my illness being what it was, did I really have the right to tell Alfred that I was in love with him? If he did reciprocate my feelings, then he would be devastated to find out that we felt the same for each other only for our time together to be cut criminally short and he would be left behind. The heartbreak from such an outcome, I decided, would be beyond heartbreak. If he didn’t feel the same way as I do, however, he’d probably feel obligated to return them despite his own feelings on the matter. After all, who could leave their dying best friend with the pain of rejection lingering around for their last remaining months?

And so, I remained silent. I couldn’t go through with my original plan, not now, maybe even never. What right did I have to do that to Alfred? To leave him with so many unresolved feelings that’ll remain that way for an indefinite amount of time. I told myself that I loved him too much to uncover my deepest secret, but perhaps I did it out of selfishness for wanting to keep my problems to myself and no other, not even my best friend. Perhaps I’d know all the answers to my conflicting thoughts only after I’ve died.

~~~

Three months into my stay at the hospital, I had begun to feel homesick. I missed being able to enjoy the simplest of things more I thought would be possible. The little snacks I’d have whenever I felt a little peckish, playing with my beloved cat, Kuro, even walking just for the sake of walking became some of the things I discovered I had taken for granted before my life began its downward spiral. My demeanor must have given that away, because Alfred quickly began to frequently ask me if there was anything I wanted him to bring into the hospital for me.

At first I would always reject his offers by telling him that I was fine, but eventually I reached a point where I couldn’t help but indulge him. “Hm, well, I guess I could go for some cake,” I told him. The hospital didn’t offer any sugary treats outside of what was in their vending machines, but I had no money on me. Meaning, I was stuck eating whatever “healthy” meals the hospital provided, which wasn’t always the tastiest thing in the world to have.

“Got it! Be right back,” Alfred exclaimed, energy radiating off of him in waves. He rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Around thirty minutes later he returned with a slice of strawberry cheesecake on a paper plate in one hand and a plastic fork in the other. “Sorry that took so long! I had to drive all the way to work to steal this from the desert case.”

I took the cake when he offered it to me, but I didn’t start eating it right away. Instead, I just stared at it with the sort of enamoured wonder a child would have in a candy store. Alfred, meanwhile, pulled up the guest chair so he could sit closer to me.

“Is… something wrong?,” Alfred asked after realizing I wasn’t eating. “Did I get the wrong kind of cake? I should’ve grabbed something else, sorry-”

“No, no! It’s fine,” I reassured him before he went off on a tangent. “It’s just- I haven’t had something sweet in so long. I guess I just got used to the idea of never being able to have sweets again.”

Alfred gave me a wide grin, but not before I caught a flash of pity in his expression. There was no doubt he felt bad about my circumstances, I knew him that well at least. I couldn’t help but commend his ability to try and keep a positive attitude around me just so that I wouldn’t be brought down more than I already was when left on my own.

I took a bite of the cake and the euphoria I felt from the pure bliss provided by the mere taste of the cake was almost enough to make me cry on the spot. I was sure that the mere sight of me was less than attractive as I proceeded to basically wolf down the rest of the cake in a moment of uncharacteristic savagery, but in that moment I didn’t really care. “Um, you wouldn’t happen to have a napkin, would you?,” I asked once I finished, trying my best to hold on to whatever manners I had left.

Alfred chuckled as he pulled out what I asked for from his bomber jacket pocket and handed it to me. “I didn’t think you had it in you to just let loose like that,” he commented. “It’s kind of weird to see that side of you. But not like, a bad thing or anything.”

I wiped the cake crumbs off my face and set the paper plate off to the side on the bedside table before I decided to respond back. It was more polite that way. “My apologies. The cake was just really delicious,” I weakly defended myself with.

“Nah, dude! It’s totally cool,” Alfred waved off my apology. “Actually, I think it’s pretty neat that you don’t feel like you have to hold back in front me. Really makes it feel like we’re close, y’know?”

I thought about what he said for a moment. It was true that I had a tendency to be reserved and withdraw into myself, even among those I could consider friends and family. “I suppose you do have a point,” I admitted.

“Well, I am always right,” Alfred said sarcastically. “Anyways! Is there anything else you wanted?”

At the suggestion that I could get away with more requests, I decided right then and there that I might as well see how far I could go with it. Though, I’d still keep things simple. At first. “The fruit here does kind of suck,” I explained. “I’d like something actually fresh, if that’s possible.”

“Done and done! Be back in a jiffy,” Alfred stated confidently with a salute. I couldn’t help but give a soft chuckle as he bounded out the door with plenty of youthful energy. He could be so adorable sometimes.

Though Alfred didn’t take as long this time around, he still took nearly fifteen minutes before he returned with a basket of fruit cut into various shapes and arranged as though they were flowers. Where he managed to find such a thing on such short notice was a mystery to me, but I chose not to ask about it. Instead I just enjoyed the gift for me and the two of us ended up sharing it along with the pleasant one-sided conversations led by Alfred that I had come to love.

Eventually though, the time came when the new eternal question was asked and I had the choice to either continue with my requests or give Alfred a break. In the end, I managed to get a few books I had been wanting, some acrylic paints along with a brush and the supplies needed to actually use them, and a bouquet of various flowers. It was after that, that I had begun to feel a bit guilty about asking for so many things that Alfred likely used his own money to purchase just for me. So, when he asked me once more if there was anything I needed, I decided to take my last request in a different direction.

“I… miss my cat,” I said softly. “I’d like to see him, at least one last time.”

Alfred paused, clearly not expecting that kind of request. He gave it a moment of thought before he nodded and hummed to himself. “Ok, I’ll see what I can do,” he said before he left, for once doing so in a normal way rather than busting out like a bull on the loose.

Maybe I had asked a little too much of him this time. It seemed simple enough on paper to just bring my cat to me, but the hospital didn’t allow cats and I didn’t think Alfred just had a cat carrier on him at all times. It was true that I just wanted to see Kuro again, but in hindsight, I didn’t think through what I had asked for. Though, if anyone was able to figure out what to do about it, it was Alfred. I trusted his judgement. Usually.

What he managed to come up with, however, was something I couldn’t have possibly prepared myself for in any capacity. Without any warning, Alfred busted to the room with a loud “M-Meow~” and wearing faux cat ears and a matching tail. The embarrassment written on his face was the only thing that made sense about the situation I found myself in.

“Um, could you please- maybe say something,” Alfred asked nervously. I hadn’t realized that I was staring, silently and probably looking baffled. What was I to say exactly? 

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to actually speak. “Well, er, I’m not sure- what was that supposed to be?”

“You said you wanted to see your cat, right?,” Alfred quickly started explaining. “They don’t really allow animals in the building, so I figured the closest I could get was, well, this,” He held up the tail a little for emphasis, “Ugh, this was a terrible idea, sorry.”

But instead, I just broke out into uncontrollable laughter. “No, no,” I reassured him between gasps of breath. “Actually, it was the perfect solution. I certainly didn’t expect it, at least.”

Alfred gave me a small, uncharacteristic shy smile and visibly relaxed. “As long as you’re happy,” he said simply as he made his way over. He pulled out the polaroid camera from a pocket on the inside of his jacket and pulled me closer for a picture.

A countdown and one excited, “CHEESE!,” later, the familiar click of a photo being taken sounded and another precious memory was immortalized for years to come.

~~~

When I was only a week away from having been in the hospital for six months, the anxiety I felt at the quickly approaching end took full control of my heart. Even with the visits from Alfred growing longer and more frequent despite his busy schedule, nothing could manage to get my mind off of what could happen any day now. At this point, I was only one tiny mistake from causing the house of cards that made up my emotional state to crumbling.

Never before had I felt so stressed, until the day Alfred brought the album he had been working on for me to see. He excitedly showed me every picture in the album and talked at length about each memory from when we were kids just barely old enough to walk and run all the way up to just yesterday. To our picnic on the roof, to the walk in the forest, to the day Alfred had showed up wearing silly cat accessories. All our memories were there for us to look back on. He tried not to let it show, but I could tell that all this reminiscing and all the reminders of just how little time was left was wearing him down just as much as it was for me.

For both of us, things had gotten too desperate for us to separated. Alfred even went so far as to skip school, take time off of work, and even stay the night at the hospital just to make sure he was there for me whenever I needed him to be. But in truth, it only made things harder, though not just for me. A number of nights I had awoken at an ungodly hour in the morning to find Alfred crying. Those were the nights where we could do nothing but embrace each other’s company like it would somehow make everything all better.

Whenever Alfred had no choice but to leave was when things truly reached a new level of difficulty to deal with. The now frequent winter rains not helping my gloomy state one bit. I couldn’t take it anymore. And so, on one of the rare nights where Alfred wasn’t around to keep me grounded, I finally snapped both emotionally and mentally.

I didn’t want to die!

I don’t want to leave!

I-I can’t just leave when I still haven’t-

When I still haven’t told Alfred how much I loved him.

Those thoughts played over and over in my mind like an echoing boom of thunder to the point where even my body had a violent reaction to the revelation that I was on death’s doorstep.

Letting out a guttural and heart-wrenching scream that even I didn’t know I could muster, I began to trash my room like a man possessed. I managed to hold back enough to avoid any medical equipment, but my bedding had been tossed and scattered along with chair cushions and my books and my clothes and the paper paintings I had steadily been making since Alfred gave me the supplies to do so. The acrylic paints weren’t so lucky as I had thrown them hard enough to break the glass, causing various colours of paint to splatter all over the walls and floor and even a few stray dots on the ceiling. The vase holding the flowers Alfred continued to gift me ended up tipping over in the commotion, causing it to spill water on the floor below and a few flowers to float down gently to the ground. I almost threw over my wheelchair as well, but stopped myself at the last second to instead scream into one of my pillows as loud as I could for as long as I could, leaving my throat feeling somewhat raw.

In the end, I found myself crying in the more secluded corner of the room, worn out and feeling empty and cold. I questioned what the point of my life was if all it led to was a tragedy like the one I was still living. If I could, I would’ve taken the fictional hourglass representing my life and smashed it to pieces purely out of frustration and sadness and maybe even a bit of regret for waiting until the very end to be honest with myself. 

Why I decided it would be better to keep my feelings a secret from Alfred became an unsolvable mystery to myself, but I found a new resolve somewhere deep in my heart to come clean to him, no matter what. The truth I forced myself to hide was that I loved and cherished him more than anything. My biggest regret in life, would be to never tell him that fact. That, I at least finally knew for certain.

Without a second though, I pulled myself together and reached for my cell phone, which had miraculously remained untouched on the dresser in my temporary fury. I quickly searched through my contacts and immediately dialed Alfred. It was now or never, both literally and metaphorically. A small part of me told me that if I didn’t tell him now I would never get the chance again and I decided to listen.

A ring. Another ring. Then, like the sound of heaven itself, I heard Alfred’s voice replace the ringing that served only to increase my anxiety.

“Is something wrong Kiku?,” he asked immediately. “It’s almost twelve in the morning.”

“I need you to come to the hospital. Meet me on the roof,” I commanded.

A bit of shuffling and then a response came. “Alright. I don’t what this is about, but I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

A quick “see you later” and we had hung up. My heart raced with anticipation for what I was about to do, but there was no going back now. I had to go through with this right until the bitter end, and bitter it will be.

Taking a glance at my tear stained and now mussed up clothes, I decided to quickly change into something nicer. Though, with my clothes scattered all over the room I had to settle for a simple dress shirt and black, well-fitted jeans. I wish I could do something more considering it was Alfred I was doing this for, but it would have to do.

And so, without notifying anyone, I snuck away from my room to the roof of the building. I could feel my strength being sapped away from me much too quickly to be normal, even for my illness, but even that wasn’t enough to stop me. My desire to confess kept me going until I reached the roof and could see the night sky overhead with all of its relentlessly shining stars and the crescent moon staring down on me and the rest of the town. The night breeze made things a bit too chilly for a winter night, but for me, it calmed me down and cooled me off when the anticipation and my own restless heart had me running too hot.

The sound of a door opening broke me out of my thoughts and I turned to look behind me, where I saw Alfred out of breath and looking at me with unrestricted concern. He briskly made his way over to me and rather frantically looked me over. “What’s going on? Are you ok? Why did you call me here at such a late hour? Your eyes- Were you crying?” His questions were rapid and quick in succession, leaving me no time to answer them. However, even if I had the time, my sudden lightheadedness brought me crumpling the ground.

Alfred fell along with me, definitely in full panic mode at this point. “Kiku! Kiku, what’s wrong?,” he continued to ask.

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU,” I shouted at the top of my lungs, startling Alfred. “I’m in love with you and I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, but I- I just didn’t have the courage to tell you until the very last minute.”

For what felt like an eternity, no more words were exchanged between us as I nervously waited to know whether or not my feelings were returned. Heat crawled up my face as I refused to look directly at Alfred for fear of rejection. I knew this was the right thing to do deep down, and getting it off my chest made my invisible burden lighten, but I was still afraid and my now broken emotional state wasn’t helping. Countless small voices in my head told me I had made a mistake and different scenarios showcasing why played in my thoughts like a broken record. They only quieted when Alfred embraced me in the most heartfelt hug I’ve ever received.

“You idiot,” Alfred said softly. “Why didn’t you say something earlier? Of course I love you, too. I’ve always loved you and I won’t stop loving you.”

And just that simple declaration was enough to send me over the edge and I couldn’t help but let a cascade of tears fall from my eyes, though not from sadness like before. No, instead it was something more akin to an indescribable happiness that swelled from the depths of my weakening heart. I knew that my sobbing had become gross and uncontrollable, but in that moment it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered besides the two of us, not even the illness that sure to take me any day now.

If we could’ve, we would’ve stayed like that, together forever, but eventually we were found by a nurse who had been looking for me once it was discovered that I had snuck away. However, from that moment onward, Alfred refused to leave my side and ended up staying at the hospital with me. The doctors and nurses tried to get him to leave, but nothing they did could change their mind.

As Alfred said himself when he was arguing with the staff, no force on Heaven or Earth could tear us apart. At least, until death do us part.

~~~

A few days later, I had officially passed away and left Alfred and everything else I’ve known behind. Though I was physically gone, my spirit remained lingering behind. Meaning that, despite my passing, I would be able to watch over Alfred now and forever. As my outcome, I could ask for nothing more, for it was enough for me and I had been plenty selfish while I was still alive. My hourglass of life had run out of sand and now it was time to let go and move on, though, even in death that proved to be a long process.

My lingering spirit found satisfaction and healing in watching Alfred grow and change over the years. Watching as he moved through life without me, though he grieved for me for years to come. I watched as he achieved his wildest dreams, watched him live as happily and upbeat as he was when I was still there beside him, watched his darkest moments unfold with a happy ending just around the corner, and even into his old and gray years. One thing never changed for Alfred, however, even as so much time continued to pass and so many life changing things took place.

He never forgot me. I was his first and last love and though he knew I’d want him to move on, he couldn’t find it in himself to love anyone quite like he loved me. Every now and then, he would pull out the old album we made together and simply look at the pictures immortalizing our memories just for old times’ sake. Eventually, he reached the point where he no longer felt sadness when looking at those treasured photos, but rather a nostalgic fondness that reminded him just how precious life was.

In the end, the real end, all I really wanted in life and death, was to see Alfred smile. And that was exactly what I got. It was a bittersweet ending, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.


End file.
